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Exclusive: Window Tax for Greater Manchester

Special report: new tax to replace Congestion Charging and finance transport improvements proposed

Published on December 15th 2008.


Exclusive: Window Tax for Greater Manchester

After the overwhelming rejection of a limited congestion charge to finance improvements to the region’s ailing public transport, Manchester Confidential can exclusively reveal the new proposal: a window tax.

A spokesperson for the Greater Manchester Authorities, Payne O’Paque, said: “This is a reasonable tax. And a limited one. It is a one in a mullion chance to create tens of thousands of jobs and get Greater Manchester moving.”

The way the limited window tax will work is:

  1. People will be taxed when they look out of windows between 7.30-9.30am.
  2. People will be taxed when they look in through windows between 4.30-6.30pm.
  3. All buildings will be taxed if they have windows.
  4. All people with Microsoft Windows to be charged.
O’Paque said that a return to the popular 1696 tax (popular, you sure? Editor) would provide enough revenue for years to come. Public transport could be improved to such an extent that travelators, like the ones between Terminals One and Two at Manchester Airport, could be installed along routes from the surrounding towns to Manchester.

There will be several exemptions. These include vehicle owners: some drivers may choose to board up their windscreens to avoid paying the tax and this may lead to fatalities. Tomatoes will also be exempt.

But in a controversial measure people with glasses will be taxed. However they will be eligible for a special ‘Small Windows Reduction’. Nor will they pay at all when they step into hot rooms and their glasses steam up.

Politically the proposal has split Greater Manchester with the Conservatory Party saying, “this is a transparent attempt to sneak in a further tax. We hope people will see through it. It will certainly cause us great pane.”

People in certain parts of Rochdale, Oldham and Tameside who still live in caves were said to be celebrating.

We asked for a comment from visitor attraction Urbis with its 277 large windows. In an exclusive interview with Manchester Confidential, Alan Vaughan boss of Urbis spoke to us. Vaughan is the man responsible for making sure Urbis isn’t a burden on Manchester tax payers. He glazed over, said: “Bugger,” and fainted.

Beetham Tower has been put on the market.

“We’ll seek approval for the Window Tax through a referendum,” said spokesman, O’Paque, hurriedly hiding the beer mat the proposals were written on. “This will be a long and complicated campaign, which costs millions and will inevitably deliver a negative result.”

Other transport news

Cole tariff
Cheryl Cole’s tears may be taxed to pay for transport improvements in the North East. Spokesperson Anton Dec said, “Whey hey, canny lad, those tears should be made to pay like. If we could get every reality TV character to cough up for a Weeping Tax, it’d grand man, give the wains lovely yeller buses for Christmas. Like.”

Stone love
Sales of pebbles and stones to smash windows prior to them being boarded up are already being sold in Manchester’s Christmas markets, although it is unclear whether these stones are German or just from Droylesden. Some commentators report they’ve seen much cheaper stones for sale in markets in Cologne and are asking if Manchester stones are a rip-off.

No, no, nein
Alongside all the reasonable people already protesting against the tax are the nutty far right groups. Stan ‘Mad’ Cracker of the Say No to Everything it’s All Commie and Run by Immigrants, said: “We’re thinking of doing a video like that one we did against the Congestion Charge. You know the one that implied if you voted ‘yes’ your daughter might be molested as their parents struggled to get around the city. This time it’s going to be about parents not being able to see their offspring being attacked in the street by overseas people as they’ve had to board up the windows.”

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34 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

zabzy watchDecember 15th 2008.

Look, folks, he's back again. He's worse than an Everest double-glazing salesman.

Malcolm GlazerDecember 15th 2008.

Tax me up!

SparkyDecember 15th 2008.

Don't stop there..... we must tax the WINDWO CLEANERS! These people spend their entire working lives staring through windows.... and who pays for it??!! You, the taxpayer - that's who!The worst bit is, most of 'em aren't even English! They come over here taking our jobs, cleaning our windows, making wild passionate love to our women! IT'S AN OUTRAGE!Both my son and I don't have jobs, and even if we did we wouldn't be a window cleaner but that's beside the point! WE SHALL BOTH BE VOTING YES TO WINDOW TAX (shortly before voting for our favourite X Factor performer) and encourage you to do the same.http://www.vote_yes_because_we_said_so.org/

Jen WrenDecember 15th 2008.

One in a mullion very good

KilljoyDecember 15th 2008.

Loved this piece especially the bit about being charged for looking in and out of windows. But Zabzy then read your comment and felt like an idiot. Then googled window tax, Manchester and congestion charge and only got this story. So if it was such a famous email how come somebody hadn't posted it somewhere. Zabzy you're one of those smug little killjoys who like to ruin a joke for everybody else I reckon.

AnonymousDecember 15th 2008.

Zabzy - I'd never seen this before either, and I DO get out a lot :-p

WazzerDecember 15th 2008.

Surely Redrooster, Mr G Norton is the saviour of British comedy.

Art LoverDecember 15th 2008.

If you think Urbis has problems, what about if this idea were to be introduved into France, at the Louvre

B. AywindowDecember 15th 2008.

I wouldn't want to stain myself with commenting, there might be a catch.

cping500December 15th 2008.

Graham Stringer says I can do it better. Cains says we will name the brown nosers, MEN as what a good idea, and Ray King says its a conspiracy

Payne O'PaqueDecember 15th 2008.

So that's a yes vote from you two then?

AnonymousDecember 15th 2008.

Genius article

zabzyDecember 15th 2008.

and anonymously responding to my comments means you have something better to do with your time?

zabzyDecember 15th 2008.

You gotta love a woman that flirts online!!!

GazbyDecember 15th 2008.

Can you fix it for me to go out on a blind date with Zazby?

zabzyDecember 15th 2008.

sorry I only date girls that are over 30 and have their own cave :-)

Trev SorbetDecember 15th 2008.

As a nerd it's my duty to inform you that the Window Tax was introduced under the Act of Making Good the Deficiency of the Clipped Money in 1696. Sounds about right don't you think?

WazzerDecember 15th 2008.

But Zabzy some of us never got that email so I was laughing my head off. Especially about the Cheryl Cole thing.

AnonymousDecember 15th 2008.

Zabzy you must have something to do other than comment on this website, anything at all - I don't care what.

Karen JayDecember 15th 2008.

I giggled at the glasses comment.

Head talkDecember 15th 2008.

Hmmm not the best papa S, too long winded for a joke and something I'd personally prefer to see in sleuth! Non the less it had it's funny parts! Ps I hope you liked the excessive use of exclamation marks!!! You say you don't like the and never to use them but they are still embeded deep in ManCon "sign up here first before ranting!" could captain T not also find away of replacing exclamation marks in rants for a middle finger! (which would fit quite well here) Love to you all @ ManCon, merry Christmas and a happy new year! ;-)

nixDecember 15th 2008.

i do not live in a cave!!!!!!

ZabzyDecember 15th 2008.

What a pointless joke. This has been sent around on email some time ago too so its not even original..... shame on you man con.

GazbyDecember 15th 2008.

What a hottie. Grrrrrowwl.....

Trebor ConcernedDecember 15th 2008.

Very good, very funny. But the thing is there seems to be no plan B for transport innovation. How come? What can we expect now?

GazbyDecember 15th 2008.

That's me! Come on, Zabzy, you aren't on the dry, sardonic form that I've come to know and love today....

ZabzyDecember 15th 2008.

for my sins i actually like to watch graham norton on a sunday night :-)

Sandy PilkingtonDecember 15th 2008.

I think Zabzy should shutter up.

zabzyDecember 15th 2008.

a hillarious gag there sandy x x

redroosterDecember 15th 2008.

Your dead right Zabzy , Wazzer I,ll bet you,d laugh at Graham Norton as well. Do you get out at all ??

zabzyDecember 15th 2008.

Oh yes i have really spoilt the joke havent I. I bet my comment really took the shine off this hilarious article..... jerk

zabzyDecember 15th 2008.

the fact that you DO get out a lot is prob why you havent seen it before.... as i mentioned it has done the rounds on e-mail...... :-)

zabzyDecember 15th 2008.

Sure we can go on a date... my number is 555.. no wait... thats my old number

Philip GlassDecember 15th 2008.

If this Window Tax is passed can I compose a score for it?

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