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Exclusive: Massive Black Hole Already Exists... in Manchester

Ahead of the CERN switch-on, Dr Hans Three, Confidential's resident professor, reveals the awful truth about the Manchester armageddon

Published on September 8th 2008.

Exclusive: Massive Black Hole Already Exists... in Manchester

Scientists have now discovered the source of a massive black hole under Manchester which is threatening to tear the world apart BEFORE Wednesday's switch-on of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN on the Swiss/French border.

'Anti-matter' which converts to 'doesn't matter'

“It's the Press Club,” said Dr Hans. “We've discovered that this is in reality a 'giant particle accelerator' which by smashing one drunkard into another after 1am, causes shifts within the proto-magnetic field, thus creating a series of micro-waves which merge to form a huge black hole in people's memory. It's tragic, that large numbers of otherwise innocent alcoholics have disappeared into one of these for days following a visit to the Press Club.”

An enormous black hole swallowing Manc mornings

“There are several tell-tale signs about the true nature of the Press Club,” our good doctor continued. “The cans of warm Red Stripe are clearly 'quark gluon plasma' and the damp patches in the carpet are actually 'anti-matter', created when the Red Stripe has been spilt.

“If drunk, however, the Red Stripe converts into 'doesn't matter' which leads people to forget to tell their loved ones at home where they are. This can lead to 'fall-out'.”

When first created by the Romans in 79AD, and later during it's last refurbishment shortly before the Norman Conquest, it was hoped that the Press Club would reveal secrets about what happened at the creation of the Universe and at the Big Bang. Disappointed physicists have said that the only trace they've had was the 'white noise' created by the 'karaoke'.

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notintheclubSeptember 8th 2008.

arr, how quaint. Exclusivity aint great.

PrincessSeptember 8th 2008.

So many stories to tell about the Press Club! Best one for me though, was I walked into the cubicle to find one of the dwarfs from snow white stood on the loo, with a rather large, gothic lady kneeling down giving him a rather intimate kiss in a place only adults should know about! I had to bleach my eyes when I got home!

Collette 'Coco' WalshSeptember 8th 2008.

As any Manchester journalist will testify, the warm sparkling wine in the press club is what stops us leaving this beautiful city for the tawdry, tackiness that is the Grouch Club.. ps. those are not beer stains on the carpet.. ahem.

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