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Weird Manchester News Part 4

Dave Cyst's crazy side of Manchester news

Written by . Published on June 17th 2011.


Weird Manchester News Part 4

The inner City Take That firm
Despite implementing a booze ban surrounding Eastlands, more than 100 women were admitted to A & E with alcohol-related injuries during the recent Take That concerts.

DrunktakethatRobbie, Mark, Gary, Jason, HowardAmongst the shenanigans included alcohol poisoning, fights, groping of concert staff and stewards described the fans as being ‘worse than at a football match’.

I was actually around the city on the night of one of the concerts and I can see exactly what they meant. Those Take That boys certainly have a knack of whipping women up into gusset-tingling estrogenic frenzy and once you add copious amounts of booze into the equation, the city was transformed into some sort of horrifying dystopian Ann Summers party. 

Police are now monitoring reports that Take That followers are trying to arrange a ‘tear up’ with some rival fans, mooted to be the ‘JLS Cougar Firm’.

Little meal on the prairie
On a recent repeat of erudite BBC titterfest QI, I saw that that Charles Darwin belonged to a fraternity called the ‘Gourmet Club’, a collection of bon viveur’s who shared a mutual passion eating strange creatures such as hawks and bittern.

It seems off first glance to be an antiquated and aristocratic pursuit, so imagine Mr Cysts’s surprise whilst idly pottering through the Northern Quarter seeking takeaway comfort when he spotted a takeaway whose specials section of the menu included ‘Prairie Dog’ (alongside BBQ ribs, strangely).

Personally I stuck to a chip barm - it’s not really my scene - but if your taste buds are tingling at the prospect of a wolfing down a prairie dog, or prairie-ing down a wolf for that matter, get yourself down to the Abergeldie Takeaway, home of Terry Wogan’s favourite bacon sandwich, incidentally.

Darwin’s legacy lives on in the most unlikely of places.

£6k hits the spot
The penalty spot from Ewood Park, home of Blackburn Rovers, from which Wayne Rooney wrapped up the Premier League title for United last month, has been sold on eBay for £6,000.

Blackburn’s new owners, Indian-based chicken moguls Venky’s, arrived at the club with tales of untold riches for investment but it’s a touch remiss to neglect to mention that these funds are being raised by flogging parts of the pitch on eBay.

I’m no eBay enthusiast, largely for fear of getting hooked and drunkenly buying a Bolivian gibbon-skin hunting pouch for £1,500, but I wonder how you can actually prove implicitly that it is the actual penalty spot?

On a separate note entirely, I have for sale the exact roof mirror under which Brooklyn Beckham was conceived. Honest. If you’re interested, get in touch below, we’ll start the bidding at a very reasonable £25,000. Anyone?

Buffalo Binns
Two Manchester men have been arrested over an alleged plot to rob and murder faux-American soul warbler Joss Stone.

BuffalobinnsPerfectly innocent trolley dashThey were accosted near her Devon mansion with swords, rope and a bodybag in their possession. Ok, she’s an international popstar worth an estimated £9m and their itinerary would suggest malevolent intent but is it outside the realms of possibility that there may be an innocent explanation?

The attached picture is a genuine snapshot of the shopping basket of Confidential’s news editor Simon Binns on a recent trip to BNQ. Gloves, mortar, heavy rubble sacks and a saw would certainly raise a few eyebrows if he were to be caught lurking outside the home of a member of The Saturdays but he assures me it was purely innocent DIY equipment for ‘knocking down a wall.’

That said, he does have a photograph of Joss Stone on his desk with the eyes scratched out. Hang on……

Copy-cadet thieves or turf war?
Weeks after a mast was stolen from the Oldham headquarters of the sea cadets, a dinghy has been nicked from the Sale and Altrincham faction.

Theft aside, you may understand the need for a dinghy given the recent monsoons, but I can’t possibly conceive what any thieves would need with a flag mast? It’s hardly something you could turn up at a local boozer with a huge flagpole under your jacket and see if there were any takers for £20.  

Why target the sea cadets? A community group of young lads who like to participate in nautical activities on canals hardly seem obvious targets.

Unless - and I’m not pointing the finger at anyone - but has anyone checked the local army cadet’s alibi? There may be a military conflict afoot and it needs to be addressed before there is an angry rebuke and we end up in an all-out simulated turf war.

PJ and Jumpin’
Residents of Bollington in Macclesfield were touched by the story of Ant, a cat who survived after being seen flinging himself off an aqueduct then amazingly limping away.

His owners returned from a weekend away to find their beloved cat missing so set about a leafleting campaign to locate their missing moggy and were made aware of the incident by patrons of the local pub.

Fearing the worst four days later, they continued the search and, miraculously, while scouring the area, they heard a faint meow from some bushes before Ant staggered out gingerly.

After a trip to the vet where he was treated for a broken pelvis, Ant was reunited with his brother Dec to the relief of his owners.

The reason for his suicidal leap remains unknown but I think I’ve got to the bottom of it - they’ll always be PJ and Duncan to me too, Ant.

Flowers and weed
And finally, GMP recovered hundreds of cannabis plants from a former shop in Salford.  The name of the business in Pendleton? ‘Just Flowers’.

I’m not sure you can call 500 plants with an estimated street value of £150,000 ‘just flowers’, but fair play for trying it.

Probably the crafty work of experienced old hands eh, working the system for years with their clever ruses. Erm, maybe not. ‘A 16-year-old boy was arrested on suspicion of cultivating cannabis and remains in custody.’

In a similar move, police have now issued warrants for ‘Just Talcum Powder’, ‘Only Plant Food’, and ‘Nah Mate, They’re Diet Pills, Honest.’

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MarkJorgy shared this on Facebook on June 17th 2011.
HJ BillJune 17th 2011.

Love that Flower Shop thingy. Funny indeed.

Pete RenshawJune 18th 2011.

Hilarious, more of this. Brightened my night at work.

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