Blair gets locked out of the Midland

Tony Blair was discovered this morning asleep outside the Midland Hotel. Tony awoke this morning to find himself surrounded by protesters and hot chicks in bikinis. Or perhaps that was just his dream getting muddled up with reality.

Drunk

After a hard morning at the G-Mex yesterday, reliable eyewitnesses (Marge and Keith from Scunthorpe) spotted Tony leaving the Midland by the back entrance at around 2pm. ‘He looked really stressed out’ said Keith.

Piecing together various eyewitness reports, we have managed to come up with a rough idea of Tony’s movements yesterday. It seems that he began by enjoying the all-you-can-eat buffet at Pizza Hut on Oxford Road, before proceeding on a pub crawl down Oxford Road during which he took time out to down a fish bowl in Scubar, and enjoy some vodka shots in Revolution. The flavour of the shots is unknown.

Eyewitness

The last reported sighting of Tony was at 2.15am, when Homeless Harry tells us that he spotted Tony wandering along the Rochdale Canal with a Blue WKD, belting out the Gloria Gaynor classic ‘I will survive’. By this time Tony was looking a little worse for wear, but Harry tells us that it was definitely him. “It was definitely him” says Harry, 47.
It all comes flooding back to Tony...

Locked Out

It seems that Tony was unable to gain access to the Midland Hotel so, as this picture demonstrates, set up a bed just outside the security parameters where he was awoken by rush hour traffic and protesters this morning.

The conference lasts until Thursday, 28th September.

Jayne Robinson