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A Recipe for Traffic Congestion

Howard explains how Manchester City council has created the perfect traffic problem…

Published on January 22nd 2007.

A Recipe for Traffic Congestion

A Recipe for Traffic Congestion, a traditional Manchester dish that can be turned into a nice little earner…

1. Chop most cross-town thoroughfares thoroughly and introduce inner ring road.
2. Whip in pinch points such as reducing the width of Deansgate at House of Fraser and Waterstones to just two lanes, from four, so that traffic backs up from Strangeways Prison in one direction to St George’s Church in the other.
3. Drizzle in another pinch point near Harry Ramsden’s Chip Shop, so that neither the feeder road at Water St nor the ring road can move.
4. Leave to stand.
5. Take a functioning one way system at Blackfriars St, divide carefully to make it two way, put multi-bus stops opposite major car park entrance at Renaissance Hotel to ensure St Mary’s Parsonage gets gridlocked as well as Blackfriars St and Deansgate.
6. Introduce planning permission for Marks and Spencer to have a car park with access straight off Deansgate that results in traffic queues through the Victoria Bridge traffic lights back beyond the MEN arena.

7. Blend in a melange of bus routes down John Dalton St, (single lane, two-way street), install multi-bus stops just before the Deansgate traffic lights BUT (and here’s the clever bit) separate, just for the buses, a right turn so that other traffic gets stuck on John Dalton St, backs up round Albert Square and reaches the Midland Hotel.
8. DECLARE Manchester a congested city, stir thoroughly with media exposure and serve without conscience in an envelope of recycled paper to city centre residents at a very tasty price of £500 a year.
9. Explain that this is at a discounted level and that visitors will be charged at a rate of £13.20 per evening with an extra dollop of £22.20 on Sundays.

Howard Sharrock

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