Red Hot World Buffet opening

“Do you want to come to some free food thing?”

“Yeah, suppose. What is it?”

“Not sure really. Some sort of massive buffet. Probably reheated tubs of god-knows-what. Free though.”

“Ok.”

And so, me and The Boy Jorgensen walked out of Spinningfields and down Deansgate to the opening of Red Hot World Buffet, which boasts more than 300 dishes from India, China, Tex-Mex, Italy and everywhere else in between.

We were convinced the statues were edible. I pulled the tongue off a massive marzipan dragon and Jorgensen prised off a seahorse that looked like chocolate and tasted like cement.

It was possibly the most bonkers place I’ve ever been. And I’ve been to a lot of strange places.

It’s not every day you see an Eiffel Tower made of chocolate or a sailing boat made of meringue, but maybe it should be. Throw in some masked dancing girls and a Mariachi, and you get the picture.

The place itself is huge – 400 or so covers with plans to open another floor above that holding the same again. Loads of stations (with chefs behind them, to be fair) and more food than you have ever seen. And it’s not just the hot buffet stuff. There are mountains and mountains of cakes, sweets, ice cream, jelly and more. Dianne Bourne from the MEN was so overwhelmed she was on the verge of a mild panic attack until I convinced her to steal a meringue from the huge vase nearby.

When it comes to this sort of food, I like starters. I like picking. This is the problem. I’d happily eat several plates of bhajis, pakoras, spring roll, nachos, hoi-sin duck pancakes, etc. And I did. So much so, I couldn’t really face any main courses.

Jorgensen went a bit the same way but with the added benefit of a bottle and a half of rose wine. Luckily, we made two new friends, Amy and Carrie, who took it upon themselves to eat pretty much everything available. Impressive, and slightly scary.

Carrie came back from the dessert run with a plate full of jelly babies. I’d managed to get at least nine types of cake onto my plate.

On the final visit, we got a bit carried away. We were convinced the statues were edible. I pulled the tongue off a massive marzipan dragon and Jorgensen prised off a seahorse that looked like chocolate and tasted like cement.

Jorgensen was taken by a remarkably pretty girl called Nicola who we thought would be impressed with our statue high jinx until she told us her boyfriend made them.

Time to leave.

Go, though, for the madness if not the food. Just don’t touch the statues.

The prices:

Buffet Lunch (12-4pm)

Mon-Fri – £7.99

Sat – £8.99

Sun – £9.99

Evening Gourmet Lunch

Mon-Thurs (5-10.30pm) – £12.99

Fri-Sat (5-11pm) – £14.99

Sun (5-10pm) – £12.99

Follow Simon Binns on Twitter @simonbinns