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Kebab: The World Shattering Result

Charlie Butterworth reports how 'Neil' conquers all with passion and love for a kebab ‘work of art’

Published on June 3rd 2010.


Kebab: The World Shattering Result

The result’s a bit late. The result of the most important food competition in the world: the best Manchester Kebab rant wins £50, click here.

You may jest but a good kebab is a work of art - fresh bread, spiced lean(ish) meat, salad, yoghurt, chilli sauce - absolutely gorgeous.

We're late with the result because we’ve had long meetings with people arguing the toss over who should win. We treated this as an important matter, in fact we've made sure we wasted loads of time we could have better spent doing other things.

There were around 70 entries for the £50 first price. Some were fabulous and showed real effort, some were the very definition of dull.

The Confidential judging panel were working on criteria of ‘a brief reasoned argument and the name and location of the kebab vendor’.

As the judges are a sick lot too, the very first entry nearly came up trumps.

This was Katrina Kat Kat Meouw’s oddity: ‘I like to smear my body with donner kebabs and call myself names. And people say I'm weird. Abduls by the way. They're genie-us.’

Fifty pounds less the price of a kebab

Very good Katrina: having chilli sauce smeared on one’s body really would spice up a person’s love life. But we felt that Katrina’s entry was fundamentally flawed because she’d proposed Abduls.(‘Katrina’s entry was fundamentally flawed'? Where are we going with this. Editor.

Abduls can’t win. We won't allow it. Just because.

So the winner is......'Neil', the simply monikered.

This lad wrote: ‘You may jest but a good kebab is a work of art - fresh bread, spiced lean(ish) meat, salad, yoghurt, chilli sauce - absolutely gorgeous. There are plenty of grotty options but I'll go out of my way for a trip to Saajan in Rusholme. A choice of rotating elephant or tiger legs, seekh kebabs or chicken or lamb on the grill and - as a departure from kebabs - some of the best curries in Rusholme (not as though that says much anymore). Forget your drunken kebabs in trays, this is one of the best culinary delights that Manchester has to offer.’

It was a passionate entry, to the point and name-checked the place that was recommended by the most people, Saajan.

We’ve emailed Neil the happy news. Now we’re going to get a Saajan kebab (the one in the pics is not from that esteemed establishment) and forensically test it, see how it measures up.

Here's the kebabLush layers of lusty flesh. Yes flesh, my mouth doth water

Mahinda came joint second, which wins him nothing but a massive sense of well-being. Mahinda’s effort was comprehensive but less poetic.

He wrote: 'As a student, I undertook The Great Kebab Survey of 1996/7 -- a donner kebab from every donner-vending establishment along Wilmslow/Oxford Road, between Withington (Noddy's) and town (Monsoon's). Each one was rated in terms of value for money, quality of naan bread and general tastiness (largely due to the sauces used).The overall winner was Lal Qila (Rusholme).'

Mahinda went on to say: ‘I only suffered food poisoning once, from Haji's in Fallowfield, and that was fairly mild -- a day on the bog and I was fine. Sadly, Monsoon's then started its descent into mediocrity, and Lal Qila switched from cabbage to lettuce. If I were to go again, Saajan's would get a shout.'

Joint second was Avo who did us proud by going north. He advised: ‘The Kebab House on Milkstone Road in Rochdale is off the beaten track but has to be in the running. The donner kebab is made in-house to the takeaway's own secret recipe and has a glorious red hue rather than the depressing grey/brown which usually afflicts the spit roasted monster.'

Where's the kebab?

Avo finished with insider knowledge: ‘The deal clincher with this place however is the speakeasy style hidden dining room which is controlled by a buzzer operated by the guys behind the counter. Only those in the know get let in with a nod and a wink - much like the Ballroom at the Blackdog but with less likelihood of bumping into a highly inebriated Gordo on occasion.’

The dullest entry was Helster’s lazy, ‘turkish delight, chorlton, done!’

Thanks to everybody who gave it a go. It was fun reading the entries. And Katrina Kat Kat Meouw my name is Charlie Butterworth. Call me on the number at the bottom of the page: I have a spare chilli sauce bottle that I think we could share in interesting ways.

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23 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

NortherngeezerJune 3rd 2010.

Ed - Any chance of giving me Katrina's address, i wanna apply for the job of chilli smearer.

NortherngeezerJune 3rd 2010.

I've had a Saajan Kebab, in fact only the other week whilst this comp was running and i gotta say it was nowt special, Abduls is better.............KATRINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

AvoJune 4th 2010.

Come on guys! Where did you get that kebab from? It isn't even served on a proper naan bread. That is some sort of cheap tortilla wrap. Shame on you!

Leigh ScottJune 4th 2010.

That kebab came from the well known "for fuk-sake why did we run this stupid kebab competition;? send one of the girls out to pick something up locally"- shop!

This blokeJune 4th 2010.

You won't allow Abdul's to win just because? Good reasoning. It's a travesty.

SHNJune 4th 2010.

I think you've overlooked the best kebab house in manchestercentre which is Topkapi on Deansgate. I know people who have actually stayed in Manchester for this one reason and the Kebabs are just to die for as long as you get them fresh and forget the cab trip home first.

Liam WandiJune 4th 2010.

Kebab, my lovely Kebab…on Naan or pitta bread.

You fill tummy with yumminess…I´m happy when I´m well-fed.

I layer the meat or the chicken…or even some fish on that doughy bed.

I cover you with fresh veggies, masterfully cut to shreds

And I paint your heat with cool sauces, a bit of white and a bit of red.

I know you´re high in calories so I´ll have the diet coke instead!

Music and Lyrics by Liam Wandi

NortherngeezerJune 4th 2010.

Just been to abduls near the hospital for ones lunch, the lamb, chicken, and seek was as usual, to die for. If theres a better kebab in Manchester i aint had it.

radsterJune 4th 2010.

Abduls is appalling!! They overcook their shish kebabs to within an inch of my life....having almost choked on them! their food in general is shocking....boycott them and maybe they'll get back to how they used to be....when they cared! Hunters in the Northern quarter is fab....and you can always get the yummy sundries of samosas and bhajis....delish!

AvoJune 4th 2010.

Hunters is currently closed for a refurb. This is probably why I am losing weight at such an alarming rate.

Hero
Andrew RevansJune 4th 2010.

I put on about 2 stone in the late 80s by having my dinner 3 times a week at the sadly demolished Topkapi on Peter Street - the really narrow one with the saloon-style swing doors and the high counter. It was en route to Deansgate station from my office on Queen Street.

My family has abandoned me for a Viking festival in York all weekend, so I'm free to indulge; Saajan will be given a go...

emma11861June 4th 2010.

'Lets eat' behind Kendals. Truely the finest kebab to be had. R.I.P.

ChopperJune 5th 2010.

Anyone visiting the 'burbs of Manchester should check out the £5.95 Mixed Kebab at 'Pizza Planet', Davyhulme Circle, near the Trafford Centre-ish. Perfection in belly busting, mouth watering, can of lager inducering deliciousness!

codheadJune 5th 2010.

How did I miss this - and how did you miss out Rusholme Chippy?????

KOBEDA KOBEDA KOBEDA

None better

Earl of DidsburyJune 5th 2010.

my no 1 is venus foods the turkish shop/deli/takeaway/cafe on the a34 south of the rampant lion, amazing!
no 2 cafe Istanbul , Wilmslow rd , Didsbury (comes with an amazing house made chilli sauce

Scott NeilJune 6th 2010.

Does anyone know what is up w Hunters BBQ in town? seems to be getting gutted. would be very sad to hear it may have gone under.

AvoJune 6th 2010.

Read the earlier rants on this page and you'll find out.

Scott NeilJune 6th 2010.

heh, d'oh! colour me embarrassed. nice one Avo, top stuff, i am very, very pleased to read that it is temporary.

NoMoreInsideJobsJune 8th 2010.

Radster,Thompsons is closed.Refit i think.

breakfast kebabJune 9th 2010.

I'm going kobeda-rusholme chippy. lamb kebab-sajaan fallowfield (they never overcook it) and donner monsoons god rest her sole. the donner was soft and buttery, thats the key it should melt in the mouth, with great fresh salad. and whats happened to clay oven naan, thats the deal breaker but it only seems you get one with a kobeda these days, or at cod father chip shop strangly. for god sake kebab people of manchester get a clay oven stop over doing your donner and make me one happy little guy. ps masala fish kebab for lunch me thinks today

AvoJune 9th 2010.

Why do people continually post responses to competitions which have long been closed? It really gets on my wick.

AgricolaJune 9th 2010.

Avo, are you bored?

Luke JonesJune 5th 2011.

Santos Cheetham Hill Rd. Youv'e not had a kebab until youv'e had a santos kobeda

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