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Horrible but necessary: The Loco Lunatic burger

Jonathan Schofield and an occasional series on things you shouldn’t put in your mouth

Written by . Published on October 20th 2010.

Horrible but necessary: The Loco Lunatic burger

Locos Lunatic Burger at £4

65, Whitworth Street West, City. M1 5WQ. 0161 237 3949

The blame
The young man who revealed the existence of such an object was Smudge Jones, the likely lad with the likeliest stories, stalwart of Manchester Radio Online, and morning worker at Confidential. On some unspeakable excursion in the twilight hours of the city he found this reasonably priced monster burger.

The circumstances
Oh I was tired madam. Weary I tell ye. The previous night I had given a talk to 120 good folk in the International Anthony Burgess Centre. That morning I had got up at six to write, been busy all day then conducted tunnel tours in the evening, before a visit to The Palace Theatre for Horrible Sciences, a 3D fest of horribly fun bodily functions and exploding machines. My resistance was down and The Palace is inches away from Locos.

The appearance
Look at the beast nestling on foil in my kitchen. Like a living thing of quarter pound burger, two vast battered chicken breasts, cheese, mayo, salad and salsa on a bun. “It’s the biggest burger in Manchester,” the man behind the counter declared. I have no reason to doubt him.

The experienceIt was squelchy, it was meaty, meaty, meaty, it was maybe a bit too moist, slimy almost, certainly the base half of the muffin needs to be tougher as it started to wilt in the juices from above. These weren’t prime cuts of meat, the bread was cheap, it wasn’t good, it was trash infact. “The chicken breasts are very fresh,” said our man behind the counter, which was better than having them putrid. Actually the chicken breasts were pretty good.

In fact it was all good: awfully necessary. An evil deliverer of satisfaction. Filling. Meaty as I said and something that was needed just then, right then. The perfect boost. “This is amazing,” said one son, grinning like a loon, who last time we dined together enjoyed something exquisite and finely crafted at the River Restaurant. He tried to do a cross section bite and a chicken breast slid from the burger and fell on the carpet like an unwanted guest's late arrival at a dinner party.

The consequences
I’m now a vegetarian. Well for a day at least.

Guilt factor rating: 10/10

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6 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Nigel4126October 20th 2010.

Luv Loco!

SmudgeJonesOctober 20th 2010.

Annihalting this burger made me feel manly, which is good seen as though i'm 22 and still cant grow a beard properly

Lynda LocoOctober 20th 2010.

Best chicken burger in Manchester. Fact.

Annie HaltingOctober 20th 2010.

Hey Smudge what have I got to do with this?

SmudgeJonesOctober 20th 2010.

Hilarious. That's what happens when you type at a hundred miles an hour so rambo doesn't see you not doing work....

Jamie WalshNovember 1st 2010.

You need to try the New York Deli's (Oxford Street) 'Babe Ruth' double burger with jalapenos. Well worth the £3.30.

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