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X Factor latest: Milk Curdle wins

Sleuth watches the X Factor Final with the family

Published on December 13th 2010.


X Factor latest: Milk Curdle wins

Sleuth (click here) decided he wanted that old style family Sunday night in, so he watched the X Factor final last night.

He enjoyed it, got carried along by it and then got annoyed.

The show began with a sleepy man in yellow trousers who sang occasionally in tune. He looked like he was half way through one of those beard growing charity competitions. He also looked like one of those barmen who makes cocktails and calls themselves a mixologist. The fact he’s called Matt, proved the point; all mixologists are called Matt.

He sang a song backed by a million dancers on stage all dressed as though they were playing the bacteria in a toothpaste advert. Or maybe they were wearing protective clothing to ward off his diseased yellow trousers.

Matt the mixologist was from Colchester.

Before his performance the cameras had cut to the latter town where a young woman called Stacy, previously of X Factor and also of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, was conducting her usual flawless impersonation of a woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Apparently she’s only given media jobs because of a secret government experiment to watch people publically crack up.

The mayor of Colchester told Matt, “Colchester’s right behind you.” A truly terrifying prospect if caught in a dark alley one night and you suddently turn and see them all there.

Next up were One Direction, a boy band who were clearly talented because they could sing in tune and hug each other at the same time. They were ten times better than Matt Cardle and seemed to have pulled a fast one on the mixologist by avoiding wearing yellow trousers.

Their song choice of Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ was a bit downbeat. The line about the five of them lying naked on the floor was frankly disturbing although it may have had some of the floating female and gay voters steaming at the ears.

The third finalist was Rebecca Ferguson. Her version of the Eurythmic’s ‘Sweet Dreams’ was perfect. Her voice was a combination of Billie Holiday and Shirley Bassey. The judges should have declared the competition over there and then. RF was as far ahead of One Direction as they’d been in front of the mixologist.

There were two problems with her. One was her speaking voice. She’s like a Scouse David Beckham, lovely looking, nice personality, but her speaking voice is a pale imitation of her performance. It’s like listening to a mouse having a whinge.

RF’s other problem is Cheryl Cole - her mentor. There’s something about this lunatically sincere woman that makes Sleuth’s eyes bleed. Here’s a wager. Sleuth reckons Cheryl Cole has never made a joke or said anything intentionally funny in her life. Her only skill appears to be able to weep and avoid eating.

Anyway it was clear that RF had to win.

After a brief nightmare sequence in which Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’ was massacred by people who in former times would have been in stocks having rotten fruit thrown at them, the three acts were whittled to two.

One Direction became Wrong Direction as they were voted off. This was mysterious given how much better they were than the mixologist. If only they’d worn yellow trousers.

In the final sing-off Rebecca Ferguson again showed the massive gulf in quality between her and the mixologist, even though he had all of Colchester right behind him.It also showed the massive gulf in quality between her and Coleen Rooney, her representative in Liverpool for the evening.

Ferguson is a single mother with two kids, an interesting biography and good prospects given her performances on X Factor. Rooney is a non-entity who married well and would probably struggle to read out loud any books beyond Ladybird level.

As the public made their final vote, Take That, came on and sang their latest single The Flood. Robbie Wiliams was an arsehole. He tried to grab all the attention, parading up to the judges and strutting his chubby boy strut. Behind Gary Barlow’s eyes you could read....’oh shit why have I allowed this fool back in’.

So it was results time. To everybody’s surprise the mixologist with the yellow trousers and the half beard had beaten Rebecca Ferguson in the popular vote and won the whole show.

So Mr and Mrs Joe Public and their offspring allowed the one with the worse voice and the one with the least chance of winning and the quickest route back to being a pub singer the joy of success.

Funny old world.

This lack of ability in the winner was confirmed during the rendition of his new single, the dreary ‘When we collide’: mixologist Matt Cardle becoming karaoke act Milk Curdle. He was woeful. Let’s hope he fails to get to number one. Apart from in Colchester where everyone’s right behind him.

The future lies with Rebecca Ferguson. ‘We love you’ as Coleen Rooney had said seventeen times already.

All great family fun though. Afterwards Sleuth went to get some cake for everybody and then watched ‘Any Human Heart’on Channel 4, sending the children out after two minutes when somebody on the screen started saying ‘fuck’ too much. That family entertainment can be over-rated.

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Paul ClarkeDecember 14th 2010.

Although much of this is obvious stuff it is still a joy to read it.

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