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The Apprentice TV review

Lynda Moyo welcomes back Lord Sugar and a new bunch of braggers

Published on May 12th 2011.


The Apprentice TV review

IT’S back. One Lord, 16 contestants, a West Ham chairwoman and Nick’s beady eyes.

The Apprentice has become the annual reality TV fix of choice because it’s not about fame, it’s about getting the job done.

The girls’ presentation by project manager Edna Agbarha, 36, from London, was pitiful. Safe to say if the girls had lost, both her and her stinking attitude would be long gone by now.

Kicking off this week with two episodes, we were introduced to our 2011 batch of hopefuls - all vying to become Lord Alan Sugar’s business partner. “I’m not Alan the Patron Saint of Losers,” reiterated Lord Sugar. “Let’s call it an uncivil partnership.”

Those hoping to win Sugar’s approval didn’t waste any time in giving us the all important hard sell.

“Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon,” said Melody Hossaini, 26, from the Midlands, who apparently pursues an interest in the concept of space and time when she’s not starring on reality TV. She was ‘personally trained’ by the Dalai Lama, which is almost certainly utter horse shit.

“I’ve got plenty of charisma and, yeah, I’m not bad looking,” quipped a delusional and bad-looking Vincent Disneur, 29, from Canterbury, a ghoulish cross between Gary Neville, Gareth Keenan from The Office, and The Machinist.

Clearly the life and soul of any party, Helen Louise Milligan, 30, from Northumberland, said: “My social life and my personal life don’t mean anything to me.” That must have been reassuring for her friends, if she has any left.

The-Apprentice-001.jpgFirst task underway and as usual it was divided into the battle of the sexes. Here’s £250 each, now go and spend it on fruit and veg, make some food, sell it, bring me back profit. That was the brief. Easy? Not where teams ‘Venture’ and ‘Logic’ were concerned.

Team Venture were led by Melody. She’s also worked with Desmond Tutu and Al Gore. She’s assertive and a good talker; otherwise known as a gobby know-it-all.

Over to team Logic and project manager Edward ‘Somuchmorethananaccountant’ Hunter, 25, from Reading was nothing short of a doughnut. “We’re gonna make soup like we’ve never made soup before,” he said enthusiastically, to a bunch of preening halfwits who had never made soup before. Or orange juice, for that matter.

One thousand and four hundred oranges later, squeezed manually by six men, and yes, the boys were firmly on the chopping board in Lord Sugar’s boardroom. It was a toss-up between Leon (for breaking the juicer), Edward (for being a numpty) and Gavin (to make up the numbers).

What followed initially seemed like the result of a member of the BBC production team having a bit of fun in the editing suite, but lo and behold, Edward actually speaks exclusively in riddles and clichés.

“Bottoms up not top down.”

“I’m the youngest and I’m the shortest.”

“When I was producing, that was production.”  

“I don’t fit the mould.”

“It’s all there.”

His motto was “roll with the punches,” which would seem to suggest he spends a lot of time with people trying to hit him.

Edward, you’re fired. Now stand up. Oh, you are.

Task two and with the small one gone but not forgotten, we were able to pay closer attention to some of the other contestants during a challenge to make a mobile phone app.

“Let the juices flow” said project manager Leon, without a hint of irony. Despite having broken a juicer in the previous task.

Of all the apps in the world, Tom Pellereau, 31, from London, suggested one that tells you ‘the temperature on this day...a year ago’. This man is supposed to be an inventor by profession. An inventor.

Susan Ma, 21, from Croydon, also came up with a gem; just don’t ask me what it was.

“I just thought of this. I think it’s a brilliant idea,” she began modestly. “Two people standing next to each other...ok, you’re you and I’m me...ok, if I ask you a question...I’m gonna ask my phone...you type the answer and it gives you the question...I’m not explaining it properly...can you give me a chance to explain?”

She then went into a massive sulk. They really have found a new level of idiot this year.

The teams decided on a regional accent insults app for the boys and random irritating noises app for the girls, two things no right-minded individual will ever want in their lives.

The-Apprentice-2011-candi-017.jpgMentor Nick Hewer thought he was too old to appreciate the apps. No Nick, both apps were crap. In the end, the boys’ app was the crappest. We all knew it was coming the moment Leon said: “I’m confident on winning this task.” That said, the girls’ presentation by project manager Edna Agbarha, 36, from London was pitiful. Safe to say if the girls had lost, both her and her stinking attitude would be long gone by now.

Jim Eastwood, 32, from Northern Ireland, is already taking the lead as the most ballsy of the bunch. Having gained props from mentor Karren Brady for being Jim’ll Fix It when Vincent’s mouth dried up during his pitch, he was in no mood for being screwed over in the board room, prompting wet lettuce Leon to reconsider who he wanted to bring back to face Lord Sugar.

Jim ain’t dim; he even gave a sly wink to camera at the end of the episode. A defiant Glenn Ward, 28, from Hertfordshire was next in the firing line.

“No, I don’t think you should bring me back” he said before turning to Jim again for help, “What do you think Jim? I think Tom.”

The boardroom soon became a lion’s den in which Leon, the little cub, was lying submissively on his back, exposed and flapping about. His weaknesses were noted by Lord Sugar but luckily for Leon if he was the cub, then Alex Britez Cabral, 28, from London was the hyena, scavenging for scraps in the background. Lord Sugar doesn’t like scavengers. Alex, you’re fired.

 And so the show goes on. Towards the end of the series, they’ll have whittled it down to the final five. Jim Eastwood and Melody Hossani have made the strongest impressions so far but we’re yet to see the others shine.

Inevitably though, Lord Sugar will find his apprentice. We on the other hand, still have high hopes in finding this year’s Stuart Baggs ‘the Brand’. There are certainly plenty of potential candidates.

The Apprentice is on BBC One, Wednesdays, 9pm.

Follow Lynda Moyo on Twitter @lyndamoyo

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5 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Lynda Moyo shared this on Facebook on May 12th 2011.
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GordoMay 13th 2011.

This comment has been deemed inappropriate by editorial staff, and has been removed.

Michael SawyerMay 13th 2011.

Cracking review - certainly agree that they seem to have gone to new depths to find idiots this year! Those speeces from Edward ‘Somuchmorethananaccountant’ Hunter and Susan Ma were truely spectacular!

FurFoxAcheMay 13th 2011.

Ha ha, fantastic review. My favourite line is "She was ‘personally trained’ by the Dalai Lama, which is almost certainly utter horse shit."

Roger MooreJuly 10th 2011.

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