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TV: Celebrity Big Brother (C4)

The egos have landed at the Big Brother house. AA Grill watches the latest collection of prototypes all piling in it to win it

Published on January 5th 2009.


TV: Celebrity Big Brother (C4)

AFTER a year out in the moral wilderness, Celebrity Big Brother is back with a scoop over its ITV rivals. La Toya Jackson is said to have knocked back I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in favour of the C4 reality show because she did not fancy the idea of eating kangaroo testicles.

It may not be the marsupial variety but I guarantee a lot of bollocks will be talked by the 11 celebrities locked into the Celebrity Big Brother House over the next 22 days. The latest intake has been chosen according to a tried and trusted formula. So, for instance, there is another member of the Jackson family (following Jermaine's 2007 appearance); another firebrand Scottish politician (after George Galloway's impression of a frisky feline); another of Sven-Göran Eriksson's girlfriends . . .

There is also the obligatory “Scouse in the House”. In the wake of Craig Phillips, Claire Sweeney, Pete Burns, and, rather less gloriously, Danielle Lloyd, comes actress Tina Malone, self-confessed "loud, fat, funny Scouse bird" once Mo in Brookside, more recently the matriarchal Mimi Maguire in Shameless – "Tony Soprano in a frock," as she puts it.

Malone promises to be one of the more interesting occupants of the House with her declaration that "I'm not a people-pleaser. I will be emphatic."

Bring it on. Over a nice cup of tea (she gave up the booze a decade ago), Tina soon palled up with La Toya, their friendship deepening as they swapped psychological traumas, from crap marriages to low self esteem. But Tina's neurotic, addictive, bipolar and obsessive compulsive issues were never going to be enough to top La Toya's trump card – growing up in the Jackson family.

La Toya spent the first 24 hours looking like a baby bird that had fallen from its nest, with an expression that permanently said "holy shit!" Her face brightened briefly at the arrival of Verne Troyer, two-feet-eight-inch-high star of the Austin Powers movies, thus proving that Michael is not the only Jackson who enjoys hanging out with little people.

Verne spent more time than anyone on the red carpet leading to the Big Brother House but it was unclear whether that was because he enjoyed the attention or because his legs took longer to cover it.

Tina's closest rival for the title of Resident Big Gob is likely to be this year's token Mancunian, motormouth and former presenter of The Word, Terry Christian. Big Brother appointed Christian head of the house on the basis that he was the last to bag himself a bed and was thus deemed to be "not putting himself first". But the housemate who suggested it was more to do with him "being a lazy git" may have been nearer the mark.

"I know I'll get flak but it doesn't bother me," Christian claimed unconvincingly, but not as unconvincingly as ex-Sugababe Mutya Buena who insisted "people call me a bitch but I don't care". While Mutya said she hoped her home for the next couple of weeks

would be like the Little House On The Prairie, her initial dress sense owed more to the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

Controversial Glaswegian politician Tommy Sheridan is facing perjury charges over a libel case he won over some pretty racy allegations in the News of the World concerning his personal life. He is not the first housemate to be of interest to the police but he is certainly the first one who has had to give the Big Brother House as his bail address.

By now the contestants were coming thick and fast. But mostly thick. Ben Adams (formerly of boy band A1 – no, I've never heard of them, either) is evidently there to catch the once-pubescent female vote; while Page 3 model Lucy Pinder, who informed us she was largely (and I mean largely) known for her breasts, is there to pull in Nuts readers. She may also attract a few nuts with her views on "bleeding heart liberals" and "thick people".

There were some big boos for the one with the big boobs, not so for Ulrika Jonsson, who was last in but could, if she doesn't make a bit more effort, be first out. The former weathergirl, mother of four children to four fathers, presenter, ex-battered girlfriend of one-time Liverpool striker Stan Collymore and ex-mistress of Sven, has already got on the wrong side of Housemaster Christian. Terry has been feigning reluctance to wield his authority, but things may be different when Big Brother ratchets up the tension and the outspoken start to speak out. Indeed, his initially breezy demeanour is already showing cracks.

It could also prove interesting if US rap star Coolio gets hot under the collar. "I don't have many celebrity friends," he revealed in his first visit to the diary room, "because they're so fake and I'm so real". Coolio and La Toya were unsurprisingly drawn to each other. "I'm the first person in my family to make over $100,000 a year," he whispered. "You're kidding!" replied La Toya, when what she was actually still thinking was "holy shit!".

Funny how we spend more and more time worrying about Big Brother watching us, then we all end up watching Big Brother – 6.4 million tuned in on the first night. Indeed we watch it for much the same reason all those CCTV cameras are trained on us, just in case it all kicks off.

Given the history of the show, it's hard to see what the participants hope to gain. Some, chiefly those from the USA, clearly have no idea what they are letting themselves in for. La Toya revealed at the weekend that she thought the experience would do her good because she didn't really know anyone outside her family. Couldn't somebody have told her there are easier ways to make friends?

On that first visit to the diary room, Coolio commented: "They say there's always one asshole in every group, but I've not met one yet." Give it time, Coolio. Give it time.

Celebrity Big Brother, C4, 9pm.

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21 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

dawnJanuary 5th 2009.

please get tina out of that cbb house she is making a show of us all, giving scousers abad name!

DigJanuary 5th 2009.

Pete Burns & now Tina Malone. Marvellous Ambassadors for the city. We should be so proud.

princess parkJanuary 5th 2009.

maybe silver tiara was meaning that tina was jade as in green aka princess in shrek! even davina said it was an uncanny resmblence!will tina go after davina too should she be scared! hmmmm/??

Honolulu BabyJanuary 5th 2009.

That's Mutya Buena, and she will an' all.

topatntailsJanuary 5th 2009.

oh yeah i forgot about him ! hes a pratt aint he!

Mary HingeJanuary 5th 2009.

Worra you friggin' lookhin' at?

Ooh you are awful !January 5th 2009.

Who is the one pictured in the leopard skin print? It looks like one of Dick Emery's characters when their drawers fall down.

polecatJanuary 5th 2009.

just found a few coomments that tina was the best in the CBB house but if she was that good then people wouldve voted for someone else to be evicted! it just goes to show that the British public do NOT want such a filthy foul mouthed woman (who should be ashamed fo her behaviour) in the house!its all very well saying she was good entertainment but for goodness sake this monster would have got worse if she had stayed in there and she couldve been worse that Jade! she is an embarrasment to Liverpool and its only a handfull of people who think shes fab, she does not listen to people preferring the sound of her own voice and had the audacity to say that there where OTHER PEOPLE in the house who where loud and trying to take over! er hello!

deliberately anonymousJanuary 5th 2009.

She's got that unfortunately hard Scouse face that terrifies me.

warralaffJanuary 5th 2009.

lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1looks like liverpool has its own Princess shrek!

DanielleJanuary 5th 2009.

Oooh! You'll be shaking in your boots if she reads this then, won't you ST! Will she have a Jade Goody moment? She's a-coming after you....

Honolulu BabyJanuary 5th 2009.

What a hairy muff Tina Malone has got

silver tiaraJanuary 5th 2009.

OMG CBB scraping the barrel or what!!! Tina Malone said she wasnt the sort to go on CBB!!! she would sell her soul to the devil to get more publicity! we who knew her before she 'graced' our screens, remember her as a not very nice person which is starting to emerge now! Mimi in shameless is a pussycat compared to the real tina!

Chester DrawersJanuary 5th 2009.

I know what you mean, Deliberately Anonymous, just like Pete Price.

lilolilJanuary 5th 2009.

WOW i never thought id really like Terry Christian, but he was giving a history lesson on Britain to Coolio and Verne and he was brill! he was soo articulate and they were fascinated by his depth of Knowledge on the subeject as was i! i love history and he made it easy to understand! he has gone right up in my estimations of him and as someone mentioned on the CBB site he should have a kids history programme! they would love his down to earth approach, and im sure would learn loads!

Get yer hair cutJanuary 5th 2009.

And get Redmond out of the city for much the same reason.

Ooh you are awful !January 5th 2009.

Oh from Wacky Races and Datardly and Mutya in their Flying machines?

Bitchy PeteJanuary 5th 2009.

"You 'avin a laff?" If she says that one more time I'll scream. She does seem like one of those people who just can't stop explaining what type of person they are to anyone who'll listen.

chester le streetJanuary 5th 2009.

danielle, if one remembers correctly ms malone has a daughter of that name!are you suggesting that ms malone is agoing to 'come after' silver tiara as in stalking ! thats a bit harsh! are we having a 'like mother like daughter' interlude here?

polecatJanuary 5th 2009.

just found a few coomments that tina was the best in the CBB house but if she was that good then people wouldve voted for someone else to be evicted! it just goes to show that the British public do NOT want such a filthy foul mouthed woman (who should be ashamed fo her behaviour) out of the house!its all very well saying she was good entertainment but for goodness sake this monster would have got worse if she had stayed in there and she couldve been worse that Jade! she is an embarrasment to Liverpool and its only a handfull of people who think shes fab, she does not listen to people preferring the sound of her own voice and had the audacity to say that there where OTHER PEOPLE in the house who where loud and trying to take over! er hello!

whatonearth!January 5th 2009.

OMG Tina Malone as a LIFE COACH!!!!!helping DOCTORS, BUSINESS MEN AND GANSTERS, OH DEAR!!!! do the poor buggers get a word in edgeways??? maybe after 5mins with her they decide they dont need any help anyway! lol!

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