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Dirty TV secrets

Lynda Moyo asks what do you watch when you're 'taking a break' from intelligent TV?

Written by . Published on May 20th 2009.

Dirty TV secrets

THERE is never anything on TV any more. That's often our excuse for watching really poor shows on the box. Forget the reported dumbing down of television – the really bad stuff has to be searched for, and boy do we search for it. Thumb to remote, it's like sifting through a bin bag. There's a whole lot of filth for us TV tramps to wade through.

TV filth fulfils a specific craving. It allows us to express our most shameless and extreme emotions. For that hour or two of escapism, we're not ourselves. We're TV whores pandering to a cheap thrill.

Hollyoaks is the overall winner in the Confidential office. It helps us wind down from a day of work and enter the world of tediously dull, unrealistic, middle-class, pretty teen life. But why? “Because it's good to watch people whose lives are worse than yours,” says one worker.

And what better show to highlight that our lives aren't so bad after all, than lie detector veteran and hot head Jeremy Kyle with his chat show full of misguided inbreds. Not to mention that crabby old Judge Judy and her school mistress persona. It's some of the best TV fodder for our publisher and food critic who said: “All the scum that's in there – it's fantastic. I wouldn't like to be waking up next to her in the morning though. She can smell out a lie from 180 paces.”

As can contestants on another of our brain-dead TV favourites – Deal or No Deal. Despite a dislike for Noel Edmonds, the crafty banker and the rudimentary format of this compulsively needling show, we can't resist the 'will they, won't they' appeal of it. The 22 identical sealed red boxes and the possibility of winning £250,000, or perhaps just a miserable 1p, is TV muck magic. Other favourites include Katie and Peter: the next chapter (soon to be last chapter) and Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood because it's “obviously nothing like anybody else’s father/child relationship but compelling nonetheless.”

There's plenty more TV junk being digested around here, from the shameful to the random. I've been known to fall into the TV trance that is Quiz Call from time to time. It's broadcast on Channel Five after midnight when most people are either asleep or not watching Quiz Call. And a fellow writer who doesn't even own a telly tells me she “watched a bit of Hannah Montana on YouTube the other night. Just wanted to see what the fuss was about.”

We want to know what our readers watch behind closed doors. And by that we mean proper TV filth of the non-pornographic variety. Saying that, one anonymous trash telly addict in our office did admit to tuning in for “what us blokes call 'the ten minute Freeview' at midnight.” Each to his own.

Post your dirty TV secrets below. The filthiest wins a large potato to place next to you on your couch.

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DigMay 20th 2009.

Liverpool Confidential Live. Let's make it happen! The Prof captaining one side with a Ken Dodd mask on to protect his anonymity. Ken Dodd captaining the other team. I can see it now. A spin off of Shooting Stars, HIGNFY and University Challenge.

Gran ArderMay 20th 2009.

"'Taking a break' from intelligent TV"? WHAT intelligent TV?

jocco homoMay 20th 2009.

The very best viewing without any doubt is Eastenders, so true to life that sometimes it hurts to watch.Emmerdale feels like documentary sometimes because the acting is so convincing and the story lines reflect the hard reality of modern urban life.Coronation Street needs demolishing, it is old fashioned, stilted and unrepresentative of modern, dangerous England.

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