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TV Hell: Eurovision

Simon Binns on the yearly musical crapfest

Written by . Published on May 16th 2011.


TV Hell: Eurovision

Eurovision. The annual parade of hopelessness and diplomatic relationships where for just one night a year, the cultural chasms of one continent get that bit wider.

"Where some singers try and seduce the camera, Germany's entrant dry humped it, sucked it off in a cupboard then bundled it into a taxi without giving it her number."

To fully appreciate it, you need to switch on the subtitles and drink heavily. For those who missed it, here's the run down on this year's offerings.

Finland: represented by a manchild called Damon from Clitheroe, this was a creepy environmental affair about a man called Peter who was going to save the world, something which is almost guaranteed not to happen.

Bosnia: A six-man band assembled by Christopher Lee in the Wicker Man, complete with the Bosnian equivalent of Bez in a baseball cap. First fireworks of the evening, sparking a vain hope the arena was on fire.

Denmark: like Jedward after puberty, absinthe and tattoos. A ploddy, seemingly never-ending ode to peace, which actually made me feel more violent than when it started.

Lithuania: a confused looking man/woman combo resembling a couple where the husband had begrudgingly let the wife sign them up for a swingers club so she can have sex with better looking men, while he looks on, crying. Some sign language.

Hungary: like all of Bananarama squashed into one sad aunt with a hangover, breaking into a small town nightclub after too much Wolfblass.

Ireland: Jedward. The irony of Tweedledum and Tweedletit singing a song that contained the lyric 'heading for a car crash' cannot go unmentioned. Like two children bounding around after too many sweets, because that's exactly what they are. Displayed an almost unsurpassed lack of co-ordination, to such a degree that one of them spent the first 20 seconds lying on the floor. Frantic, wide-eyed peril.

sweden_eurovision_stolen_song_2011_1.jpgSweden: like being hit over the head with a faulty torch. The demented repetition of a man who clearly had his head flushed down the toilet at school. I WILL BE POPULAR, I WILL BE POPULAR.

Estonia: like an Eastern European version of Steps, or an episode of Glee if the budget was 16p.

Greece: not renowned for its rap, and this is why. The oddly-named Stereo Mike sounded like he was trying to squeeze out a particularly troublesome stool, occasionally helped out by some opera bloke, presumably singing the words 'help me' in every European language.

Russia: made George Michael look like Chuck Norris. 'You put my mind in a dirty zone,' has to be the lyric of the evening.

France: boring Les Mis reject from a nation of sheep-burning surrender monkeys. Shit hair.

Italy: awful lounge jazz performed by the Corsican version of Barry from Eastenders.

Switzerland: like the intro to a desperately bad sitcom where a dysfunctional husband and wife try and poison each other repeatedly, only to laugh about it later in bed. Smug bass player.

tumblr_ll9habs28N1qaf7jto1_500.jpgUK: Shit, it's Blue! Basically, an even worse version of a Blue song thanks to the mandatory Eurobeat. For one brief encouraging moment, Lee Ryan looked like he was suffocating, presumably a better alternative to being dressed up like the ringmaster of the gayest circus in town.

Moldova: like Crazytown meets the KKK, in a fun way.

Germany. Strangely sexy electro; endearing in a threatening kind of way. I actually liked this. Where some singers try and seduce the camera, Germany's entrant dry humped it, sucked it off in a cupboard then bundled it into a taxi without giving it her number.

Romania: Barnum does Butlins.

Austria: So boring I may have temporarily drifted into a coma.

PB_002.jpgAzerbaijan: lots of wistful white floatiness, like a scene from Dawson's Creek where both Dawson and Pacey discover Jen has VD. Akin to a date with a needy divorcee. How this won I'll never know.

Slovenia: cunningly tried to distract the world from the song by wearing leather boots so high they were nearly attached to her pubic hairs. All I could think of was the chaffing.

Iceland: A song by a dead man. As enjoyable as wearing wellington boots full of sick.

Spain: 'Who can take the fun I had away from me?' Answer: Spain.

Ukraine: a singing Worzel Gummidge with added sand art. I spent the entire song hoping the sand artist would have some sort of meltdown and draw a giant cock and balls on the screen behind her.

Serbia: styled just like the 1960s, when Serbia was invented. Vaguely enjoyable.

Georgia: a disturbing story of pain, despair and desire, performed by Chandler's annoying ex from Friends and two re-animated corpses. Expected one of them to start self harming over the end credits.

Oddly, Azerbaijan won the day, prompting the entire continent to unite in asking 'Where on earth is Azerbaijan?' The UK was stiffed by Ireland, and everyone voted for their neighbours, which was especially odd with the Eastern Europeans, who have spent years fighting to get away from each other.

For a brief moment, it looked like Blue might actually win. Until everyone started voting and it became painfully clear that they wouldn't. Even the Haribo-powered Jedward drifted off into nothingness.

Next year, I suggest we enter the Go Compare advert jingle and see how the rest of Europe likes that.

Oh, and it's just this side of Iran.

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13 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Lynda Moyo shared this on Facebook on May 16th 2011.
TourmanMay 17th 2011.

Gave up after 20 minutes, it was just to flashy and frantic, if the Eco zealots want to save the plant pull the plug on eurovision. Instead of the non stop flashing lights and noise the acts should just stand there and sing. The power wasted staging Eurovision would keep a small country going for a year.

AnonymousMay 17th 2011.

As a fan of Eurovision and having attended several live ESCs recently, I am diasppointed that Man Con has taken such a derogatory and skitting approach to the contest.

Eurovision is great for bringing people together to enjoy music from other countries whilst meeting people and appreciating their culture.

There are a number of decent, quality songs and this year was no exception. Perhaps Man Con should support an event that brings people together to be entertained.

I am seriosuly considering cancelling my subscription of Man Con, of which I have recommended to many people. No longer. I expect this post to be taken seriously and hope that Man Con will reflect on this article bySimon Binns.

Simon BinnsMay 17th 2011.

I liked the German entrant.

Hazel BMay 17th 2011.

'To fully appreciate it, you need to switch on the subtitles and drink heavily.'

Something the People of Salford should be familiar with...

Staff
Jonathan SchofieldMay 17th 2011.

Anonymous...we back Simon on this one. Are you the only person who treats the Eurovision seriously? Then again maybe you're being cunning and cleverly satirical. Either way save all you kisses for me.....

AnonymousMay 17th 2011.

Ha ha...it's an opinion piece, you either agree with it or you don't. No reason to chuck your toys out of the pram and storm off in a huff.

Do you only read magazines or newspapers where you agree with absolutely every article? How boring.

Banton BrownMay 17th 2011.

Oh anonymous don’t be so dramatic.

Any singing competition where Jedward are beating Blue can't be taken seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, Blue were shocking. They were like four buskers on Britain’s Got Talent shouting 'I CAN' at Amanda Holden, whilst getting ready to do the full monty. Pitiful.

Alan Hird shared this on Facebook on May 17th 2011.
MarkJorgyMay 17th 2011.

Have to side with everyone else on this too anon, Eurovision is to music what King Herod was to babysitting. A bit more light hearted and charming though, granted.

Hero
ktfairyMay 19th 2011.

I love a bit of Eurovision and most years have a party with our own voting system and lots of food and booze. However I do apreciate that for lots of people Eurovision is an annoying joke. Some of the coments in the article are true, some are harsh and some made me laugh. Anon you need to calm down a bit and everyone who hates Eurovision needs to stop watching and leave it alone. Lena the lady from Germany (who won last year) is v sexy though.

John RossingtonMay 21st 2011.

Oh dear what a bitter sour grumpy article from a jaded hack. But do we want to sound like a load of small islander UKIP leaning bigots sneering at our friends in Europe.

Anita CMay 22nd 2011.

John, not at all, but with the Eurovision we don't sneer at the proud traditions of Italian art or the cuisine of France. We sneer at a bland, crappy, pappy attempt by Euroknobs to create a Euro-brand, and then we sneer at the fact that most of the little countries vote for their neighbour's songs because there are usually large populations of the latter living there. Thus the idea of bringing Europe together is immediately thwarted by petty nationalist jeolousies.

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