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Wotsits all about then?

Published on May 19th 2005.

Now not all of us are able eat out at the likes of Establishment, The Lowry and the Malmaison every night. We’re also well aware that our readers can’t either, so office tea boy Tristan ‘The Crisp’ Welch has taken on his favourite topic in a bid to bring you the lowdown on his top five crisps to give you a lower budget lunch.

Now Tristan is a funny one. He has long since taken a ribbing for his fetish of only eating crisps during the day, to the extent that he now has cheesy wotsits growing from under his armpits, at least that’s what we think it is….but we firmly believe there is no better qualified person around than him, although due to his strange behaviour, however, you may not agree with his top five, so we’d like you to send us in your own favourites. We’re also compiling a list of Manchester’s favourite flavours, so you can submit them as well.

Crispy Tristan (pictured) was given a budget of a couple of quid to munch, crunch, suck on, and shovel his favourite snacks and keep him quiet for an afternoon.

Without further ado, here’s his top five, and remember, you can vote for your own at the end of the article!

Top 5 crisps

1. Salt and Vinegar Disco’s
Proper crisps, proper flavour - ‘nuff said really. These have been a firm favourite of mine since I first discovered the powdery bit in the bottom of the pack at primary school (it burns it burns!) and have remained #1 ever since.

2. Seabrooks Prawn Cocktail
Difficult to find anywhere except for up North in my experience… and a major reason not to live further South than The Midlands. With a salty kick and a prawn flavour unfound in any other brand these are the only choice for fans of fishy flavours, scampi Nik Naks can kiss my a#?%.

3. Pickled Onion Space Invaders
When I was a kid every pack of these came with the same four frame comic printed on the back, and filled with (I think) randomly assorted shapes and sizes of crisp. Refreshed a few years back they’re not quite what they were, but when it comes to pickled onion they’re the meandering mans first choice, every time.

4. Rib’n’Saucy NikNaks
Most people I know rate Nice ’n’ Spicy far in excess of the Rib flavour but, in my opinion, smoothness of flavour and the fact they don’t make you sweat make Rib ‘n’ Saucy far more enjoyable, it’s the nobbly crunch you get that brings them in at #4.

5. Cheesy Quavers
For when lack of flavour simply isn’t an issue, this is hangover food at it’s finest. This floaty light snack eases me back into the day after repeated nights of excesses, reminding me that texture alone and just the slightest hint of cheese is more than enough to ease me into the day.

NB: You might wonder why I’ve not mentioned Walkers, well not to rebel against the crowd but with the exception of Quavers packs of Walkers seem to be getting smaller and smaller, with apparently less in the bag every time I open one. It’s not just me getting older and larger, and quite frankly I’m shocked they keep trying to trick me into buying a pack that’s only a quarter filled. Walkers are a Tristan ‘the crisp’ Welch… avoid!


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