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Tis the season to be hungover

It’s the season of loving, giving, and hangovers. Use our foolproof star rating system to work out exactly where you and your poor abused liver stand…

Published on December 20th 2006.


Tis the season to be hungover

In this season of loving, giving and crawling into work with a throbbing head and a dodgy belly after one too many Christmas drinks, we thought it was important that Christmas drinkers are able to identify the level of their hangover.

So here’s a quick star rating system to help you to work out where you stand.

1 Star hangover

Symptoms: None. No pain, no feeling of illness, but an unquenchable thirst.
Scenario: You slept in your own bed, and woke up alone, with no traffic cones around you.
Recovery: ten bottles of water and a cheeseburger should do the job.

2 Star hangover

Symptoms: No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You wouldn’t know it to look at you, but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
Scenario: You are costing your employer valuable money, because all you can handle is some light filing and aimless internet surfing.
Recovery: Full English breakfast and a day avoiding any strenuous work.

3 Star hangover

Symptoms: Slight headache and a very dodgy tummy. You’ve had a gallon of water and a litre of diet coke and haven’t peed once.
Scenario: Anytime you catch a whiff of perfume or aftershave you gag, because it reminds you of the random gin shots you did after the bouncer kicked you out at 1.45 am.
Recovery: a duvet, a tube of Pringles and daytime tv.

4 Star hangover

Symptoms: You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and there’s a chance that if you speak too quickly you will vomit.
Scenario: Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You are wearing nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Recovery: a sleep under your desk, or a time machine so that you can go back in time and decide not to go out on a school night.

5 star hangover

Symptoms: You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
Scenario: You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. You spent the morning being sick but by lunchtime managed to eat a slice of toast and keep it down.
Recovery: Not easy. You need to find your way home and curl up in your bed with a loaf of bread to slowly nibble away at and a strawberry thickshake.

6 star hangover

Symptoms: You’re not dead, but you could be. You have been sick so many times that you would class the toilet as one of your best friends, and every time you wretch it feels as though your internal organs are going to fall out of your mouth.
Scenario: You arrived home at 4am and fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow. Two hours later you woke up to find that the room was spinning around you and you were definitely going to be sick in the next 30 seconds. Since then, you’ve lost control of all of your bodily functions, and have felt too sick to try and sleep it off.
Recovery: Work is simply not an option. You need to spend the whole day avoiding anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

So now you know how to identify the severity of your hangover, and exactly what you need to do to make the world a happier, less blurry place.

Of course, the easy, foolproof way of avoiding a hangover is to be sensible with the amount you put away the night before.

But, it’s Christmas. And Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without at least one six-starrer.

Enjoy.

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