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How to avoid the Christmas shopper…

Published on January 7th 2005.

Ding Dong Merrily on High, in the shops the tills are ringing……
The joys of spring are over, the scintilating heat of summer (was there a summer this year?) has passed and been replaced by the daunting cold sweat of something new and dangerous on our city streets – the Christmas shopper.

Hurtling down the road at the speed of light, usual shoppers are bad enough in Manchester, but come late November / early December and fuelled by mulled wine served on the fabulous market stalls around the city, these shoppers turn into deranged psychopaths meandering down the pedestrianised parts of the city with the awareness of Boris Johnson and the directional purpose of a one legged, blind Formula One driver.
Venture out onto the city streets and you will discover they are currently like minefields, so we’re providing you with a map of the city and hot spots to avoid like the plague. Just don't go there (girlfriend).
Of particular note are the delights of Market Street, where crossing the road is akin to Horace Goes Skiing Level 5, although instead of getting chopped down by cars, you’re likely to get mowed down by plump women with prams that apparently don’t have breaks!

However, Christmas shopping can be enjoyable, the markets are great with some of the finest food from the likes of Switzerland and Germany. You can find the markets on Albert Square, St Ann’s Square and near Exchange Square.

Follow our simple to use guide on Christmas shopping and you’ll be able to enjoy your shopping and you’ll be decking the halls with boughs of holly and generally revelling in the delights of Christmas!
In order to sidestep the Christmas shopper hurtling down the road at you, you need to be aware of certain factors to avoid your enemy.

First of all, if you see a woman with a pram, heed the warning and move to the other side of the road instantly. Work under the assumption that these women are blind, the prams have no breaks, and the children in them are the devil’s spawn, prepared to spit anything from chocolate to mucus at you as you try and avoid these wheels of death.
Secondly, the Christmas shopper loses the ability to walk straight. Be prepared for any eventuality including: spontaneous direction change, bag throwing.
Heightened stress levels are a key factor in ruining the delights of millions of Christmas shoppers every year. Scientific boffins have proved this by asking Santa, so it must be true.
Because of these higher stress levels, bumping into someone by accident is FAR WORSE than normal. The maximum penalty for bumping into a Christmas shopper is three points on your license, three months imprisonment and a covering of spit and hot air from the outraged victim.
Finally, avoid badly designed shops at all costs. By this we mean shops like Boots that don’t allow more than one person per aisle at normal times, let alone at Christmas when Nora from Oldham has 58 bags full of musical socks from Primark.
You can prepare for Xmas shopping by doing the following:
  • Under no circumstances take your car into town, it’ll be quicker crawling in pushing an orange with your nose.
  • Go to the gym and hone your reaction time and flexibility in case of extreme ‘getting out of the way’ requirements.

    Learn Matrix style moves to avoid getting battered by prams and fat people
  • Use the 'bracing' method to thwart yur foes. If someone charges at you and impact is imminent, tighten your muscles to make the experience as uncomfortable for the enemy as possible (Do not use in the event of old people, physically impaired and young children).
  • Wear padding, armbands, flak jackets etc – it’s the only way to come out of town without any bruises.
  • Go in with close friends, stick together and you may come out alive.
  • Men: Let the women do it, they love shopping anyway, so sit at home or in the pub with a pint of JW Lees’ Crackerjack Ale! Mmmm.
  • Alternatively, do not go shopping at all, presumably, if you’re reading this then you must have the Internet, so do it all on there, why put yourself through any suffering? - Click here for some great xmas gift ideas!

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