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Gordo Health Plea to Manchester Bars and Restaurants

Published on January 7th 2005.

Staff at Manchester Confidential HQ today appeal to all bars, restaurants, hotels, off licenses and general servers of booze to stop serving Gordo too much alcohol.
Hot on the heels of well publicised bans on the serving of alcohol to celebrities such as George Best and Chesney from Coronation Street, Manchester Confidential makes a similar plea to local establishments to stop serving Gordo after the hours of 11 o’clock.
The last few days have seen the big man sink into oblivion, with the amount of daylight seen by Gordo reducing rapidly. As the graph shows, his workrate has also plummeted, leaving the rest of his good-willed, honest and hardworking staff to look after our beloved clients.
We have been left wondering where the Gordo of old is? The kind, warmhearted, Santa-like, pre-stardom Gordo that brightened our days every time we walked into our office.
Like many celebrities, Gordo has recently been drugged by the effects of celebredom – free meals everywhere he goes, free drinks and bar crawls across our great city on school nights.
The effect, as with all celebrities drugged up on booze, has been a negative one. Meetings held before 1pm have had to be postponed, wake up call bills from BT have risen to £12.50 and Chris from Dinosaur has become really unhappy due to his old pal going on the missing list. He’s even succumbed to trying to hang out with the rest of us - "I just can't find him anywhere" said Chris.
I have also experienced at first hand the detrimental effect that Gordo is having on the community, having been arrested and charged with being 'Under the Gordo Influence Whilst In Charge of a Vehicle'.
It came to a head two nights ago when a young child of 8 with one arm and one eye asked Gordo for his autograph claiming he was his hero and he wanted to be just like him. Gordo patted the young chap on the head before inviting him to the Fantasy Bar for drinks and lady fun.
A tired and strangely withdrawn Gordo desparately needs his bed. Only the other day the self proclaimed saviour of Manchester restaurants forgot his own name in the bank and tried to fire himself into space using a wheelbarrow and a firework.
If you are the manager of a bar or restaurant, please heed this warning and help us bring Gordo out of rehab and back to us as his former self. The only way to save Gordo from the slippery slope and increase his workrate is to make sure he gets to bed at around 11pm on a weeknight.
Click here for a poster of Gordo to circulate to your staff.
Fellow booze banned person George Best was looking forward to making friends with a new non-drinking partner: “I’ve already contacted Gordo and invited him round for a game of scrabble and some lemonade” said Best.
You can help us in the following ways:
a) Download and print out the attached picture of Gordo and distribute it to your staff – click here
b) Place the pictures as far and wide as possible – at the bars, hotel foyets, lampposts etc
c) If you see Gordo out drinking after 11pm, take a photograph and email it to us
d) Make your staff aware he is not to be served after 11pm
e) If you’re a lady, fall for Gordo’s charms in an alternative attempt to get him into bed before 11pm
f) If you’re a doorman at the Circle Club, do not allow entry under any conditions
g) Teach him the evils of alcohol by reading warning leaflets out to him
Thank you for your time.
Tim Gough

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