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A smart arse writes…

Liverpool Confidential’s restaurant critic AA Grill, has certainly rattled a few bars down at Rodney Street’s delightful Puschka. And now its mild mannered waiter strikes back. Read his right to reply here…

Published on November 13th 2006.

A smart arse writes…
Good morning,

Having just read your review of Puschka. I find myself at an impasse.I was impressed, indeed heartened, to see that your keen analytical skills deftly noticed the finesse and poise with which I weave my waiterly work (is it just me or does the internet bring out the Ws in everyone? www.whatswithalltheWs.com).

Whilst reading your account of the friendly banter that we three, we happy three, had shared, I laughed, smiled, and shed a warm salty tear. Little did I know what treacherous slander was waiting to accost me in the next paragraph.

“SMART ARSE”? I couldn't believe it. “Doth mine eyes deceive me?” (asked a quaintly cod-pieced fellow reading over my shoulder.) So betrayal it is. I never dreamt I would have to utter the sorrowful words “Et Tu? AA Grill”.

Not that I was truly surprised, this dark moment had been prophesised by the head chef. Why, only 20 minutes before greeting your table, Glen, too busy to get some extra potatoes for table four, ominously told me to “Prepare the sides of starch!”

Not that this excuses your cruel mocking ways. I am shocked, distressed, and, if daytime TV insurance adverts have taught me anything, probably entitled to compensation. Like Heather Mills doing the can-can, this will not stand. To explain the effect these malicious words have had on me, I will use two more anagrams of oystercatcher. TREACHERY COST? and Y' ACTOR RETCHES.

And yet here we come to our impasse. You have said kind words, which should surely elicit warm congratulations and appreciative comments. Yet you have sullied the name of Sanger, which demands nowt but boos and hisses and ya-boo-sucks-to-yooze.

So what response to give? Fortunately maths can help us. We take the simple equation, originally used to calculate loan payments:m=( (p/1200) x (1 + p/1200)to power of N) divided by ( (1 + p/1200) to power of N, - 1) x L

N continued passage of time, and p, the degree of expansion and contraction experienced by my ego, we clearly see that...yes, right, okay, I owe you £345.67 a month, and you can legally reclaim my house if I default. What? No? Ah ha!

m= Hmmph.

So I leave you with this noncommital, in the middle, maybe, maybe not, response.

Jonny Sanger

Click here to read the original article 'Puschka pushes all the right buttons'.

PS. I no longer claim to be an actor who is “between shows”. I simply wait till I am in a show and then inform people that I’m actually a waiter, who is just “between restaurants”.

PPS: I am also aware of the irony of writing nearly half a thousand words of attempted smart arsery, claiming not to be one.

PPPS: On a more serious note, thank you for a very entertaining review. It made me very happy. And finally please send my warm appreciation to AA Grill (call your son that what do you expect him to end up as?).

PPPPS: I'm assuming that Liverpool Confidential is housed in a big old building not unlike the Daily Bugle, a bustle of fervent activity, high octane journalistic endeavour, and steely nerve as shock news of tawdry cheeseboards flies into the office moments before the presses roll. If this is not the case, please lie and say it is. I have grown fond of this vision of creative industry.

*If you too are a waiter who we have written about. and you would like a right of reply like Jonny’s, please get in touch , clearly marking your email or envelope “Smart arse”.

Angie Sammons
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