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City news in 250 words: Thursday 1 April

Thursday 1 April: Police shock, Hattersley shock, Hollyoaks shock, Metrolink shock, Art Gallery shock, Messi shock, Gordo shocking

Written by . Published on April 1st 2010.


ARMED POLICE entered a house in Longsight late last night after being invited...for a surprise Spring Armed Police Party. There was a barbecue, backyard target practice, and charades. A neighbour said: “They were all in good spirits and everybody seemed to have a great time.”

HATTERSLEY is to be given World Heritage Status by the United Nation's UNESCO arm. “It's so ghastly, it's really special,” said a spokesperson. “We think it's important that it's preserved for future generations to look back on and ask how and why.” The spokesperson confirmed that Stoke-on-Trent is next in line.

GORDO, the Manchester Confidential food correspondent, has launched his own Eat Yourself Thin Diet. This combines dieting with fun by including at least three restaurant meals a day. “I tested it myself,” the hospitalised gourmand laughed. “After three days I'd already put on six pounds.”

MANCHESTER ART GALLERY is to be placed on large wheels as part of a plan to bring art to 'non-traditional audiences'. “Non-traditional audiences are those who never think of going to galleries,” said a spokesperson. “By placing the gallery on wheels we'll be able to tour all the city's inner suburbs and achieve our targets.” Openshaw residents have already begun a 'We don't want your art' campaign.

HOLLYOAKS is to film a one-off Halloween special in Manchester city centre. “The plot-line will involve young adults falling in love, having tantrums, and trying to run businesses. The acting should be truly horrific,” said a studio insider.

ROCHDALE Football Club, currently ten points clear at the top of League Two, has outlined its transfer targets for next season. “It's Lionel Messi or nothing,” said manager Keith Hill. Messi, presently with Spanish part-timers Barcelona said, “I have always dreamt of playing at Spotland one day.”

BREAKING NEWS: METROLINK is to increase reliability during the current network expansion programme by replacing all its services with steam trains from the Museum of Science and Industry (MOSI). Except on the Eccles line where passengers will be given a horse-drawn service.

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The DaleApril 1st 2010.

Messi for Rochdale yes....oh damn

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