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<b>Tuesday 1 April:</b> No crime for 24 hours, Erotic markets, ‘tasteless’ gene identified, Warrington to be demolished

Published on April 1st 2008.

No crime
There have been no reported acts of crime in Greater Manchester over the last 24 hours: no robberies, gun-incidents or minor acts of violence or vandalism. A police spokesperson joked: “if this keeps up we’ll have to fire ourselves.” The local paper said, “it’s terrible news, what will we write about now?” This is the first occasion of a ‘crime-free’ day since 17 January 1828: a very cold day when criminals froze to death in the streets.

‘Excess wrapping good for the poor’
Despite a growing international outcry about pre-packaged goods and the over-use of plastic wrapping, Government minister, Hazel Beers, has claimed that, “Excess wrapping can be good for the poor”. She told Confidential: “opening ready made food packets is the only exercise some people get, and significantly cuts down on obesity. We recommend five a day. In East Manchester we didn’t trust people living there to act responsibly if a Super Casino had been built. Instead we’ve decided to supply free packaged ready meals to residents. These will keep them off the streets and help them get fit.”

B of the Bang to be melted down
Britain’s tallest free standing artwork at 700m (or 2300ft), the work of engineer/sculptor Tom Heatherwick, is to be ‘got rid of’. It has dominated the East Manchester skyline since the Commonwealth Games of 2002 and was originally called S of the Steroids signifying the moment when the muscle building drug kicked in. Sculptures of Sir Richard Leese, Sir Howard Bernstein and Councillor Pat Karney will be fashioned from the metal residue and placed on the Town Hall. At Christmas they will be decorated like the former inflatable Father Christmases.

Erotic markets this Christmas
Also at Christmas the Council is proposing a series of Erotic markets in city squares. A council spokesman said: “There have been enough double entendres about German sausages in recent years to justify the switch over, and frankly how many cute candle-holders can people buy? There will be stalls featuring all manner of equipment and toys, and live sex shows in the beer tents. Of course, during this period, families and children won’t be allowed into the city centre but given there’s little for them to do, that shouldn’t matter.”

Lack of taste gene located
Scientists at the University of Manchester have identified a gene in large numbers of people from north Cheshire which leads to tastelessness. The gene called Cheshiresetus Armaniius activates around the fourteenth birthday and in some extreme cases remains active until the forties. “It’s tragic really,” said Dr McLoughlin, “these people become obsessed with Ferraris, Louis Vuitton bags, and Crystal Champagne. Some of them literally drive themselves to an early grave in their desire to get on Hollyoaks.”

Warrington to be abolished
Merger talks between Manchester and Liverpool have been completed and will result in the demolition of Warrington. “It’s time the town went,” said an NWDA spokesperson, “we’re all sick of it.” After demolition Manchester and Liverpool will be swivelled and levered into place over the site, with Albert Square and Manchester Town Hall to the north of the River Mersey and Liverpool Pierhead to the south. The new city is planned to be ‘the capital of the world’ by 2020, cementing permanent ties between 'the old rivals'.

Other news in brief:
Coronation Street to be rebuilt by Urban Splash for ‘upwardly mobile’
Peel Holdings: “we’re not obsessed with the Congestion Charge issue, we just really can’t stand the thing, ever, ever, ever”
City Council: “yes, we’re very seldom wrong”
Planned Nuclear Power Station in Chorlton: “no protests expected”
April Fools Day: “all year this time”, says Brown

We interview one of the Bodyworlds’ corpses at the Museum of Science and Industry and ask, ‘what is it really like to be dead?’

Manchester Confidential would like to apologise to readers for yesterday’s headline: ‘Diane right royally murdered by bad ‘uns.’ We now realise this was totally wrong.

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16 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

JonApril 1st 2008.

Which would be much better than Liverchester... far too anatomical.

JimApril 1st 2008.

Absolutely brilliant. well done

BApril 1st 2008.

I was outraged at the fate of B of the Bang being melted down and then appalled that Government minister, Hazel Beers, had claimed that, “Excess wrapping can be good for the poor, opening ready made food packets is the only exercise some people get.' Then I saw the Minister’s name and realised it was an April Fools.

HelenApril 1st 2008.

I'd quite fancy the erotic Christmas markets! It would certainly liven things up!

BenApril 1st 2008.

omg they're gunna make liverpool & manchester one big city??????! When is it gunna start???

Phil; TaylorApril 1st 2008.

Erotic market-eh? Cum again!Strange coincidence that the MEN had theB of the Boing on the front today.

AnonymousApril 1st 2008.

i read the 'b of the bang' story first and if it had just been that one i would have been completely suckered in! haha good effort

nadsApril 1st 2008.

ha ha - hilarious! If only the store about Warrington were true!

paul horrocksApril 1st 2008.

I'm sick of manchester confidential taking all our exclusives

StevoApril 1st 2008.

Yeah they could call it Mancpool

eugeApril 1st 2008.


Kev PApril 1st 2008.

Hahaha!It's a shame this is an April Fools, I think melting down B of the Bang and replacing it with a statue of Pat Karney is a fabulous idea!Lol!

AnonymousApril 1st 2008.

I'm not sure that 'Cheshiresetus Armaniius' is a laughing matter, indeed many people who suffer from this affliction are amongst us today and can generally be found around Living Room, a place they have a strange affinity for. Anyone wishing to help can contact the You Can't Buy Taste Foundation with donations of Range Rover tyres and branded desigener wear.

Michael WestApril 1st 2008.

Mmmm - my confidential knew something all along about B of the Bang :-s

CraigApril 1st 2008.

Its an April Fools joke...but I think its a good idea...wipe out Wazza!

jenApril 1st 2008.

If only the B of the Bang part was true..... the day its safe for the general public to walk through its base... the beatles will adimt they are mancs.....

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